I hope this message finds you in good spirits and health.
I’m writing you to inquire on your availability this weekend, specifically Saturday, the thirty first of July, two thousand and ten. If you did not happen to see the large portable canvas shelter erected in the backyard last even, and assume that the family downstairs might be spending a weekend in the vast wooded parts of this fine state, I’d like to inform you that we are going to be spending a weekend in the vast wooded parts of this fine state.
Without further ado, I would like to request, if you should feel so inclined, that you water the backyard flower bed in our absence. We would feel blessed and greatly appreciative of your services to us should you be available.
Them: Hurrrr Get off the road snortcackleharharhar!! Me: HAHAHA YOU ARE SO CLEVER!!
Anne: They were funny. Me: Totally hilarious! I wish I was so clever! Anne: I wish I could have hair that blonde instead of being awesome. Me: I wish I was a cheap whore in an SUV with alabaster blonde hair. Anne: And big sunglasses. Me: And a dog in a purse.
I don’t have a problem with God. I think He’s a pretty stand up guy. We’re buds. My problem is with Religions, in general, and how each one has such an overwhelming amount of confidence that only they hold the key to the Gates of Heaven.
This overwhelming confidence that, out of the billions of people in the world, they are the only ones who are right, comes with countless lectures involving how Pride is sinful.
I’m not saying I don’t practice hypocrisy from time to time but I certainly didn’t form an entire doctrine around it.
A wise priest once said in a homily, “If you’re not willing to listen to other viewpoints with an open mind that your own beliefs may change, you’re not worshiping God. You’re worshiping an idol you’ve built from your own ideas.”
That man said many things that will probably stay with me forever. I wonder if he knows what a huge influence he has had on my life? I hope he’s doing well.
All the Nurses just received an email advising us to use universal precautions when entering a home if we know there are sick residents. Universal precautions include handwashing. If we have any questions, we can contact “Jane Doe”.
Dear Jane Doe, I’m a little confused and, as a medically trained professional, I have some questions.
Should we stop washing our hands when the sickness in the home goes away?
Are there any other times when I should be washing my hands, or should I just do that if I know I’ll be seeing a sick person?
Should I also wash my hands when leaving the home? Or perhaps before eating?
If I’m not sick, do I still need to wash my hands after using the bathroom?
I have 132 people on my case load. Can you stop wasting my time with bullshit emails now?
Sometimes when I’m driving behind people, I think probably their only handicap is their driving disability. You shouldn’t be rewarded for that with a special license plate and decal that let you park closer to the grocery store. You should have your license revoked.
Taking 16th Street to Saint Francis Hospital today, I look to my right to see a cop car pull up next to me at the red light. As he kept inching forward, I thought perhaps he just missed the lane off to the side to turn right… no. Off he went. Through the red light.
The light turned green and I followed him. Because it was on my way to the hospital anyway, so why not? It proved difficult to keep up with him, as he continued merrily on his way, speeding in a child-filled residential area and happily ignoring every red light he came across.
I finally caught up with him as he was forced to stop behind some law-abiding citizen parked at the red light. And of course, I took his plate number for the good of the world, and Twitter. And Tumblr, of course.
Milwaukee Police Officer, driver of the taxpayer-funded vehicle bearing License Plate number E2165, I saw you. And due to your lack of flashing lights and/or sirens, I know you weren’t going through those lights and speeding through kids playing ball on your way to some urgent call. You were just abusing your powers. Breaking the law because you feel entitled to.
I fucking hate entitlement more than just about anything in the world.
And the only thing stopping me from filing an official complaint is this long, tedious process. A process involving me divulging too much personal information to someone who will later, likely, pull me over. I’m not an idiot. But I do have a blog. And a Twitter. And a voice in my head that tells me to post Alerts to the world about Douchebag Drivers because I think it’s fun.
You might be immune from traffic laws, but you can’t escape the internet.
NPR told me about a fun, new toy today. Of course I had to go check it out!
You copy and paste some of your writings into a box, click “analyze”, and it tells you which famous author you write like!
So I just spent the better part of the last hour…ish… looking through my old blogs and copying and pasting them into this box. I think the overall winner was David Foster Wallace, with Steven King as a close runner up. I can’t say anything about that, as I’ve never read anything by either author.
A list of authors I allegedly write like:
David Foster Wallace
James Fenimore Cooper
Ursula K. Le Guin
It’s a lot of authors, and a pretty wide variety. I suppose that probably means I am just too original for such an analysis to work! Or perhaps similar reading habits, similar lives, similar influences. Who knows. It’s a pretty interesting and fun toy to play with. It’s shiny and new. I’d suggest giving it a whirl! :)
“All children, except one, grow up. They soon know that they will grow up, and the way Wendy knew was this. One day when she was two years old she was playing in a garden, and she plucked another flower and ran with it to her mother. I suppose she must have looked rather delightful, for Mrs Darling put her hand to her heart and cried, ‘Oh, why can’t you remain like this for ever!’ This was all that passed between them on the subject, but henceforth Wendy knew that she must grow up. You always know after you are two. Two is the beginning of the end.”—J.M. Barrie
The band I saw tonight sounded like one of those bands with the fans that think they’re listening to obscure music, but really it sounds the same as every other fake Indie band. Think R.E.M.
While listening to the band, I said aloud the next part of the song. Like a play by play, but for the future. Because the music pattern is predictable. Maybe the music is good. Maybe I love it. But I’ve heard it before and I will hear it again.
I’ve created a guide to writing Fake Indie Band songs. Really. The next time you’re at a Counting Crows concert, listen to the first song. Once you pick up the pattern, you will hear it in every single song. That doesn’t mean it’s bad. It just means you’re competing with a lot of other bands on someone’s Pandora playlist. Because everyone starts sounding like everyone else.
So here you are:
First, start out singing softly, quietly. Start to build momentum. Sing louder, play faster. Go crazy and do both! It doesn’t matter. Just let your audience know that you are about to do something great! And that something is… Scream into the microphone! Continue to play fast and loud. Out of nowhere throw in some obligatory harmonizing for a couple bars (Now wouldn’t Obligatory Harmony be a great band name? You’re welcome). Now insert a dramatic pause in the music. No more than 3 beats. Or maybe you’re in to awkward, ill-timed applause. Pausing dramatically is important. End your silence with nothing but guitar and drums for at least half the length of the song. Now sing 2 more lines loudly, and finish the last 2-4 words at the same volume you started your song. Optional: Finish off with microphone feedback.
That should do it. You’ve got yourself a template for greatness! The key to fame and riches is to market your music to 13-year-old girls who haven’t figured out what a torrent is yet.